


You Know I Hate Myself

by Kandalyn



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Abuse, Cutting, F/M, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 22:47:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2205879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kandalyn/pseuds/Kandalyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella is bullied at school, occasionally abused by Charlie, and has become depressed. She turns to cutting herself. But what will happen when fate throws her straight into the path of the Cullens? Trigger warning for self harm. First published on fanfiction.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Bella POV

I gripped the side of the bathtub with one hand, my other hand dripping blood onto the floor of the tub. I normally didn't cut in the mornings; the close proximity to the beginning of school made it harder to face everyone with my usual feigned indifference.

But now I was awake and alert, no longer submerged in the numbness that I had slowly grown to hate in myself. As I lost pieces of my life bit by bit, the cutting became the only thing I could feel, the only thing that told me that I was alive. That any of this was real.

Not that I didn't feel it. The beatings. The whispered rumors and taunting. Missing my mother. Long story short, I hate my life, my life hates me, and I don't have the guts to end all the shit.

I clean up the blood and pull on some clothes, then head downstairs. To my relief, Charlie was not in the kitchen, which enabled me to head out the back door. The thing about Charlie was that if he wasn't drunk, angry, pissed, or all of the above, it was possible to avoid his wrath by staying well out of his way.

That meant out of the house if possible.

It was raining again, but that was typical Forks weather to you. I liked Arizona better, but when my mother, a cocaine addict, committed suicide, I was sent to Forks to live with Charlie. Sometimes I wanted to hate, or at least blame my mother and her many problems for condemning me to life in a rainy, miserable hell, but I knew enough of her despair to be able to forgive her.

The murmuring began the second I stepped into the parking lot. I bowed my head slightly, letting my brown hair fall to hide my face.

There goes the emo whore.

Skinny ass cunt.

Didn't your brother see her hanging around the trashier parts of town last weekend?

I don't say anything at all, but when I reach the main corridor I head straight for the nearest washroom. It was a shitty idea to cut this morning. It was an even shittier idea to come to school at all this morning.

I am such an idiot. Such a stupid idiot. 

Trying to silence the voices in my head, I break into a run down an empty hall. Just as I turn a corner, I run straight into a short black haired girl and fall against the floor, dropping my bag.

"Damnit! Oh, shoot, I'm so sorry.." I scramble back onto my feet, ignoring the old injuries that scream at the impact. Fuck, it was like running into a concrete wall!

As I straighten up, I suddenly become aware of two things. One, that I fell on my arm. Two, my arm is now bleeding.

Oh..Fuck.

\---


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to see newer chapters sooner, this fic is published on fanfiction.net under the same title.

Edward POV

With a slight sigh, I follow Alice and Jasper down the empty hall. Alice led the way in her typical exuberant fashion, hopping in front of Jasper as silently as any of us. It seemed that Jasper was holding up well in the new environment. Between what I gathered from Alice's foresight and Jasper's thoughts, he would be fine, so Rosalie and Emmett had gone their own way.

My head was a different story, though. The school had received us with the usual amount of mental atention, and sadly I was the target of most of this, being single. Listening to all this...mental interference, if you will, was very unpleasant.

Thankfully, both my sibling's minds were relatively quiet. Alice was casually optimistic about the day, while Jasper was actually somewhat blank.

Then Alice's vision, urgent and alarming, flashes into my head just as we reach the end of the hall. As soon as I see it I realize that it can not be prevented.

Alive stops, but the other girl is oblivious. Acting fast, I grab Jasper.

"Get out. You need to get out of here NOW."

Even at a supernatural speed, this comes too late. Only a moment after understanding comes into Jasper's eyes they cloud with the thirst that we have all come to know too well, and I know that the scent has already reached him.

Alice stands in front of me, her small frame shielding the girl, who is not getting up from the floor. I find myself wondering almost idly if Jasper's thirst will really be strong enough to drive him against Alice.

Unfortunately, I soon get my answer. Jasper charges us both, and as Alice moves to block him off I half-tackle him and fling him into a metal door frame before he can attack me. The impact dents the door, but it is fortunate for all three of us- Alice, myself, and the girl- that the sudden urge was sufficient enough to override Jasper's logical fighting senses for the moment.

As Jasper jumps to his feet, Alice's voice flits into my head.

Edward, I'll get this.

"No." I mutter, as quietly as I can. The last time it took both Emmett and myself to deal with Jasper; Alice's plan to deal with Jasper alone is utterly pointless. And there is also the small matter of the girl who is still standing there, looking terrified.

Well, she should be.

Alice struggles furiously with Jasper, her litheness doing well against Jasper's basic tactics. I move to help her, so together we pin Jasper against the door, eyes dark and snarling terribly. Each time I see Jasper like this I understand Carlisle a little more, understand how despicable our natural ways must seem to him.

Alice, mentally thanking me, has begun to speak to Jasper.

"Calm down. Listen to me, Jasper. Jasper! Calm down..." It is somewhat ironic that Jasper can control the feelings of others, but has this amount of difficulty controlling his thirst. His thrashing lessens only slightly, but he is obviously nowhere near regaining his senses.

I'll get a hold of Emmett and Rosalie.

I nod, set my teeth, and hold Jasper down more firmly while Alice dials.

"Emmett, bring Rosalie and get down here right now. Jaspers...lost it." Nice way to put it.

They arrive, and with Alice's help drag Emmett out. Rosalie notices the girl but only has time for a slightly accusatory glare before she becomes preoccupied with the situation.

I turn to the girl, holding my breath against the scent of blood that the fight with Jasper had distracted me from. What was I supposed to do with her?

Then a plan forms itself in the back of my mind.

"Are you alright? You're bleeding. Let me drive you to the hospital."

Yes, to the hospital, where Carlisle could help deal with this mess.


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

Bella POV

Panic over the spilled blood blinds me for a few moments, and I can't hear anything but that little voice in my head scolding me for being such a careless idiot. Gently pressing my hand against the cuts, I try to stop the blood. Then I look up/

What in the fucking world?

A bronze haired boy and the girl I walked into are grappling with a blonde boy who is snarling back at them. Their movements are so quick, its hard to keep up with them. But the thing that scares me the most is the look on the blonde's face.

Features that would otherwise have been attractive were twisted into an inhuman mask of malice.

Then two more people enter and drag him away. One of them, a tall blonde girl, glares at me as she leaves, a hint of accusation in her glance.

I flinch, confused. The three are gone; the whole incident from my fall to their leaving couldn't have taken more than one are two minutes. It's so silent now, it made me wonder if I had imagined it all.

"Are you alright? You're bleeding. Let me drive you to the hospital."

"Uh...what?" The voice startles me back into the present. The bronze haired boy is standing in front of me, a slightly scrutinizing look on his otherwise emotionless face.

"Oh. No. Thank you..I'm fine." The last thing I needed was someone to find out about those neat rows of still bleeding cuts up my arm.


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Alice POV

The three of us-Rosalie, Emmett and I- managed to get Jasper out into the fresh air with minimal difficulty. It didn't take him very long to regain his better judgement; In a few moments he was in control of himself again.

My disappointment over the whole incident showed plainly, and I wasn't trying to hide it.

"Really, Jasper? I thought it would get easier for you...after all, its been a while."

Jasper looks up, his face carefully devoid of emotion.

"I'm sorry. Emmett, Rose, was it a lot of trouble."

"Oh, less than last time." Emmett grins and cracks his knuckles, earning him a few disapproving glances from Rosalie.

Unfortunately, Rosalie turns to me next.

"Alice. This time its you're to blame. Didn't you see anything about this?"

Crap. It seemed that Rosalie had already put two and two together. All too often I found myself wishing that "dumb blonde" applied to our kind.

I sigh, casting a regretful look at towards the general direction of the building. Rosalie taps a foot impatiently, expecting a response. When I don't offer one, she continues.

"This. Is. Not. Good. That girl, she saw the whole thing, didn't she? What do we do with her?"

"Rose. This is the twenty-first century. That sort of thing isn't as easy anymore." Japser's voice is gentle, but there's a slightly reprimanding edge in it that Rosalie will not appreciate. I break in, hoping to avert the impending arguement.

"Alright, okay. We'll discuss this with Carlisle and Esme tonight. Jasper, I don't think it would matter much if you spent the rest of the day at home."

"Tonight? You've got t be kidding. Half the school will hear of this by then."

Jasper nods at me, and I close my eyes, focusing my thoughts onto the future. What I see is not at all expected, and my eyes fly open in shock.

Edward and...who the heck is that?

"Alice?" Japser stares at me, concerned.

"I'm fine. Give me a minute."

Clearing the vision from my mind, I concentrate on the rest of the day. Then I open m eyes again with a grim satisfaction. I was not looking forward to the meeting tonight, which Rosalie was sure to make unpleasant.

"It'll be fine. The girl wont talk."

"I know, its hard, but it takes time, right? Don't be too hard on yourself."

"Just don't count the centuries for me." Jasper mutters, slightly bitter. I'm not sure what to say to that, so I get out my car keys and start for the parking lot.

"Nobody said that it would take centuries", I say, in what I hope is a lighter tone than his.

Back in my car, I take a moment to think over my previous visions. Were they even possible? For all the effort I had put into learning about the girl's future, there was nothing particularly happy about it.

Other than that one, small possibility that she could be Edward Cullen's soul mate.

Pushing that thought away, I start the car and head for the hospital, in the hopes of forewarning Carlisle.


End file.
